Time to confess: I’m anxious again

My brain is frazzled. I’m down.

I know this because I’ve been unable to water my houseplants for the last 2 weeks.

This might sound like a trivial thing, and completely absurd given that during those 2 weeks I’ve also been working full-time in a pretty demanding job, exercising regularly, interacting confidently on social media and giving all appearances of being basically fine.

But whenever I look at a houseplant (which happens a lot, because we have them in every room), I play the same reel in my mind: ‘That plant desperately needs watering. I can’t do it, I am incompetent and it’s too difficult to work out what all the steps are and then do them in the right order. I am useless; I can’t cope. This is not good. Let’s just ignore it and hope it somehow goes away”.

I also feel this way about cleaning the house, doing my work emails, putting the laundry away, cooking or cleaning up afterwards and working through my list of house and work admin tasks. None of these things are objectively difficult or even particularly time consuming. But I can’t do them.

I’ve had a whole weekend with nothing to do: no obligations at all, just peace and quiet here at home, and restrictions on where we’re allowed to go. I’ve not done much at all, other than go for a couple of walks. And yet here I am on Sunday evening feeling exhausted and defeated, as though I’ve had no time at all because the time I’ve had I’ve mostly wasted scrolling through social media, watching television, reading and worrying about the news, all while trying in vain to wrestle my restless brain into some kind of peaceful submission.

It snowed in London today, the first proper snow here for years. We went out for a walk and I should have felt overjoyed. I love being out in the snow. I love what it does to the landscape and soundscape, dulling the noise and making everything oddly monochrome, still and quiet. I love the fun of skidding, throwing snowballs and kicking powdery snow into the air. Today, I couldn’t feel any of that. I just felt tired, sad, and anxious about whether I’d have enough energy left to make the walk home.

These are the signs of anxiety getting out of control; of overwhelm lurking around the corner waiting to take over.

At least I’ve finally noticed and faced up to how I’m feeling so that now I can do something about it. I’m not sure I know what that something is, yet.

Yes I do know. I know exactly what I need to do. I’ve been down this hole many times before and I know I can find my way out, if I just put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Ok. So…

Step 1: Keep walking, every day, without fail. I walked to the allotment yesterday in the cool winter sun and felt relatively peaceful for a while. The exercise calms me down and gives me a break from my phone for a bit. I had on an audio book in my ears, and took in none of it because I couldn’t concentrate. It doesn’t matter. It’s a feeling of relative calm to hang on to and maybe build on.

Step 2: I’ve told J how I’m feeling, overwhelm, house plants and all. It’s hard doing this because I feel ashamed that I’ve not been able to keep on top of things, stupid for being overwhelmed by such tiny inconsequential things and worried about what comes next. But as ever he is lovely and understanding and wants to help, and sharing how I feel makes things feel a bit easier.

Step 3: we’ve made a list of simple tasks that will make me feel better if we can get them done, and we’re going to work through them together.

Wish me luck. Deep breath. I’m off to water the houseplants.