The importance of going outside, even if I don’t feel like it at all…

I woke today with a headache for the second day running, after a long and tiring week. Most weeks feel a little long and tiring at the moment, just because of the general background noise of crisis and awfulness.

I’m not complaining – I count myself very fortunate indeed for having a job I can do from home, a secure place to live and no major health traumas so far in the pandemic. But like everyone, it seems, I’m finding it difficult being chained to my desk on video calls for most of each working day, starting before it’s light and finishing well after dark, and looking out of my window onto a mainly grey suburban London street.

This week I’ve been quicker to get impatient or frustrated, and I’ve been finding it impossible to read the beautiful book I’m reading (Wendell Berry’s collection of essays, A World-Ending Fire – the sort of book where you find yourself highlighting every passage on your kindle to come back to and savour again, later). I find my mind wandering within 20 seconds of starting to read – nothing will go in and my mind won’t settle. I get frustrated, that makes it worse, and so the cycle repeats.

I’m ok, coping fine, nowhere near being actually ill or anything. But I’m also very conscious that I’m not at my best, and it’s at times like these that I have to take my mental health seriously if I’m to avoid a downward spiral.

So. I’ve upped my daily step target to 12,000 (from 10,000), and am making myself go outside every day. This week, I was rewarded with the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen for a while, just happening as I got to the park for a sundown walk in a rare break between meetings.

I’ve also, this week, bought a little hydraulic stepping machine that I can jump on for a few minutes between meetings, or during them with the video off if I’m not having to participate to much and my job is mainly to listen. It’s a ridiculous contraption in at least 12 different ways, but it’s already helping me stay more active during the day and going on it for a few vigorous minutes definitely gives me a welcome burst of energy and positivity.

The headache woke me a few times during the night and was quite sore when I woke up in the morning, so instead of getting up at a reasonable time I snoozed on into the morning, hoping to sleep it off. That, of course, made it worse rather than better. When I finally got up I felt knackered, groggy, fed up and not at all like going outside or doing anything much at all apart from doomscrolling.

Doomscrolling is called that for a reason: it’s a really bad idea and does my mental health no favours at all. I know this, of course. Even as I’m doing it I know what a terrible idea it is, and feel stupid for failing to stop. But wow does it draw me in when I’m tired, wired and jagged-edged like this.

It was sunny out today, and I *know* exercise makes me feel better even when my whole body is shouting at me not to do it. So, despite my doomscroll demons demanding that I sit down and spend some really low quality, sef-defeating time with my mobile phone, I decided to make myself wrap up and head outside to see if it made me feel better…

There are 2 ways to tempt me out of the house when I feel like this: (1) driving somewhere beautiful to explore, which we’re not allowed to do at the moment, or (2) going to the allotment. We were a bit short of time, so decided not to walk to the allotment and back (a 2-hour round trip). Instead, we dusted down our bikes.

My bike has hardly been used since the start of lockdown; before that I used to cycle to work every day, and really enjoyed doing it. Without a commute or anywhere else to go that’s open and easily bike-able, I’ve just not found myself getting the bike out at all. In the intervening period I’ve lost a bit of bike-fitness and a lot of road confidence, but it was still lovely to be back in the saddle, zooming (slightly nervously) down the hill to the allotment.

I had forgotten how much I like cycling, having got into the lazy habit of driving to the allotment and back during lockdown number 1, and not having the commute each day. Resolution: from now on, always cycle or walk to the allotment unless there are fragile plants or other non-portable things to take.

Predictably enough, I felt a lot better by the time we got to the allotment. The combination of fresh air, wintry sunshine and a bit of exercise just lifted my spirits; my groggy headache dissolved away. This is entirely predictable, but despite that it’s incredible how difficult it is to commit this to the muscle memory of an anxious and at time self-defeating body: my body simply can’t recall this sort of sprit lift and energy when I’m feeling sluggish and at a low ebb. I have to talk myself into it, force myself to do it. I’m glad I managed to do that today, and hope that if I keep on doggedly meeting sluggishness with activity and energy, one day I will finally absorb this lesson and the action will come to me more readily.

There’s not a huge amount to do at the moment on the plot, with no winter digging to be done in our no-dig beds, and most of them full of either winter crops or green manures. I need to be patient and wait a few more weeks before cutting back the green manures and covering them in card and then compost or manure ready for new crops. I’ve not done this before – I’m really looking forward to having a go and seeing how it goes.

One thing about the no-dig approach to green manures that’s slightly bothering me is that I don’t have enough rotted manure to cover them up. Our deliveries of free manure at the allotment are much less frequent since lockdown, and there’s a limit of 2 barrows per plot each time, so I’ve had one of my 3 compost bins empty over the winter.

I’m thinking I’ll order one of those big pallet bags of compost to be delivered at home and then take it up a bit at a time in buckets in the spring. It’s much better value and involves a lot less single-use plastic than buying bags at the garden centre (ie none). I do really want to top up the beds with more organic matter before the season starts having seen what a huge difference that made to the soil last year (I added a lot of spent mushroom compost to the then new raised beds and it seems to have done the soil the world of good).

As well as leaving the beds alone to do their thing for a bit longer, I also don’t want to tidy up too much around the rest of the plot until spring, in case I disturb any friendly hibernating critters. So really today was just about checking everything is ok, and doing a bit of pottering in the sunshine.

J added an end piece to one of the raised beds (we are still gradually finishing them off here and there), and I cleared out the bath that I use as a seed bed. It’s still got some chinese leaves and cavolo nero from last year, which I’ll leave in and keep harvesting until they bolt in spring, but the rest was full of weeds. It felt good to clear them away and reveal the lovely crumbly tilth, ready for this year’s seeds 🙂

The bottom bed, which is for courgettes this year (tomatoes last year), has green manures in it but they are tiny and very few. Last week I sowed broad beans in one third square (120cm by 120cm) of the bed. This week I hoed off the remaining two-thirds of a few tiny green manure plants and the odd weed and added a few buckets of rotted manure, hoping the worms will take it into the soil before it’s time to plant the courgettes.

It’s still 4 months until it will be time to plant out the courgettes, so I’m thinking about sowing either green manures or a catch crop in there. Maybe more broad beans? I love broad beans, you basically can’t really have too many of them, so I think I’ll order another packet and sow some more next week 🙂